God, why do I have to be a person who yearns so much? How horrible. How perfectly horrible.
I can see now that it’s the little things, the small efforts, that keep a relationship going. And I know now that in some small measure I have the power to hurt him and also the power to make it better. This discovery leaves me with an unsettling, queer sort of feeling in my chest for reasons I can’t explain.
“What will I do now that Peter’s not my boyfriend anymore?” I wonder out loud.
“You’ll just do what you did before he was your boyfriend,” Alicia says. “You’ll go about your day, and you will miss him at first, but over time it will ease. It will lessen.”
“All you need is time, and you, little one, have all the time in the world.”
“I deserve better than that, you know? I deserve….. I deserve to be someone’s number one girl.”
To feel so known, so understood. It’s such a wonderful feeling, I could cry. It’s something I’ll keep forever.
All this time I’ve been making excuse for him. I’ve been trusting Peter and not trusting my own gut. Why am I the one making all these concessions, pretending to be okay with something I’m not actually okay with? Just to keep him?
“Here’s the thing. My one piece of advice to you. You have to let yourself be fully present in every moment. Just be awake for it, do you know what I mean? Go all in and wring every last drop out of experience.”
Dear Lara Jean,